I’ve always had a relatively rough life.
Dad died when I was 6, very few of his family still remain.
Mum’s family are a cliquey and close knit group that I don’t fit into.
Mum and I never bonded since she worked to keep the household together.
I’ve always been bullied everywhere I go, in school, in university, at work. It didn’t stop at just name calling (I honestly wish it had just been that), it often got violent.
I have a list of conditions including dyspraxia, ADHD and autism.
Did pretty well in school up until I was 16 then everything began falling apart.
Somehow managed to get an apprenticeship in military engineering when I was 20.
Started suffering in my job because my ADHD still wasn’t diagnosed yet, in fact I was told I showed no symptoms despite being told later I should have had a diagnosis years ago.
Got injured in my job and thanks to that and the bullying and my girlfriend at the time cheating on me, my mental health took a dive.
The company just booted me out without a word, settled under the table and by 2017, after 4 years of service, I was destitute.
Mum started drinking around this time.
Honestly I did for a bit too, but I hated how alcohol made me feel and I quit.
It’s now 3 years later, my conditions make it nearly impossible to get a job, my work ethic is pathetic thanks to my mental handicaps which I haven’t gotten medication for or that what I do get doesn’t work, mum lost her job thanks to her drinking problem, she yells and screams at me all the time, has assaulted me before but the police don’t care (I’m a man so clearly I started it), I don’t get any peace, any sleep, any respite and I’m coming closer and closer to the edge.
I can’t afford to leave and get my own place, my benefits barely give enough to survive. I’ve been trying for all these three years to get a job and not just be a leech on the walfare system but haven’t even got to the interview stage.
I once had counseling but they have since abandoned me telling me there’s nothing they can do for me anymore, it’s another person causing my stress and if she doesn’t ask for help, they can’t force it on her.
there seemed like hope for a while whenever the chance for her to go into detox (basically rehab) but despite the fact I’m in the UK where we have an NHS, there’s a chance we’ll have to pay for it. They won’t even tell me how much it would cost and there’s no way we have the money for it.
I’ve had to call an ambulance for her several times to the point where they don’t bother turning up for hours now because she always snaps at them.
I’ve tried ringing the mental health crisis line in this country, but gave up after being in a queue for an hour with no pickup, every time.
I have a few online friends thanks to D&D but I don’t want to trouble them anymore, they’ve been there when I had a breakdown before but I just make them depressed with me, that’s not right.
my breakdowns have been becoming more frequent lately but my last one, I didn’t cry, I simply went neutral, lost the ability to feel anything, I felt like a robot, started getting dizzy and sick and there’s a period of a couple of hours I don’t remember.
I think I’m snapping, ending it all just looks so tempting and it’s getting harder to justify not just calling it quits. I’m not contributing anything to society, I’m not going anywhere and I’m a drain on taxpayer money, what’s the point of me even being here?
Nothing is going anywhere and I can’t find any answers.