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Guy Tells His Insanely Elaborate Plan On How He’ll Avoid An Assassin Snail For The Rest Of His Immortal Life


Here we are, back with another question in the vein of I never asked, but I’m sure glad someone has answered.

This time we have an absolutely absurd hypothetical that’s so ridiculous, it’s actually too intriguing to skip, and then we have a legend of a human being taking a stab at the challenge who wrote up an extremely detailed response to it, equaling 1,000 words or nearly 5,400 characters, all in a single Reddit comment.

Yes, you read that right, this Redditor responded to an AskReddit query that pitted a super intelligent snail and a human being against each other, both immortal and both with a million dollars, except there’s a catch: the snail is in an eternal chase with the human, and if it touches them, they die.

Strap yourselves in, ladies and gents, this is gonna be an incredible ride.

More Info: Reddit | Rooster Teeth

The internet is full of amazingly wonderful things, including hypotheticals about assassin snails

Image credits: Dysanovic (not the actual photo… what did you expect?)

Originally popping up in a Rooster Teeth video, the hypothetical resurfaced on Reddit where it caught the attention of one particular internaut

Image credits: u/Andy316619

While AskReddit is a virtual location where people ask very earthly questions, whether hypothetical or not, every once in a while someone comes up with such an out-of-this-world question that it would be a crime not to at least give it some thought.

Reddit user u/Andy316619 posed a question which, thanks to some keen commenters, we know was actually kinda sorta borrowed from a Rooster Teeth video, asking people online to humor him and explain what would be their plan if they and an extremely intelligent snail would both get a million dollars and become immortal, but enter a never-ending game of chase whereby if the snail touches the human, the human unfortunately ceases to exist. The snail knows where they are at all times and slowly crawls towards them.

u/dirkson took on the challenge of answering this question in the most elaborate way possible—using a thousand words and ridiculous specificity

Image credits: u/dirkson

While nearly everyone in the comment section suggested either some form of putting the snail in a jar or other container, or putting themselves in a bubble (or any other container), there was one commenter who stood out with their insanely elaborate plan.

Enter u/dirkson, who comes up with a ridiculously elaborate plan to avoid the snail assassin for at least a couple hundred million years or more. Bored Panda got in touch with Dirkson for an interview.

Image credits: u/dirkson

In a nutshell, he suggests first keeping an eye on it for a short while, calling up someone who Dirkson trusts with his life, asking them to shove the snail into a metal box, encasing it in tungsten, hiring out a moving company which would move it to a metal refinery to be encased in molten iron, finding a charter boat that would move the resulting iron construct to the Mariana Trench, letting it sink, then investing in space travel, lifting off and using a hella tractor beam to push the Earth into a black hole. In a nutshell.

“It was a spontaneous ‘I have a few minutes’ sort of thing. I think it took me about 30 minutes?” explained Dirkson. ” I’ve waffled between bemused that it took off so well and annoyed that I have to hear about it so much.”

Image credits: u/dirkson

The plan is actually much more elaborate as it involves unnecessary details that, given the context, are rather necessary because of how much more entertaining the story becomes because of it.

“I’m sure it could be improved in a dozen ways,” elaborated Dirkson. “Honestly, basically no part of it is a good plan, it’s just a plan that sounds good if you don’t think about it too hard.”

Now, we’ve asked Dirkson about the challenges of making this plan a reality, but he quite strongly reassured us that neither the plan, nor the snail are actually real: “Of course, rumors that this plan is real are entirely incorrect. There is no snail in a sphere on the bottom of the ocean. It’s not there. Don’t look.” We’re on to you, Mr. Dirskon, it’s just too good of a plan to not be true… [squints eyes].

Image credits: u/dirkson

This immediately earned Dirkson 9,000 upvotes and over 50 Reddit awards, including platinum and gold. The AskReddit post itself got 40,400 upvotes, engaging a discussion of over 10,000 comments and another 40+ awards.

People online loved it, and the stats show it, but it was also because of all the engagement it got. Some straight up said they loved it, while others began discussing the idea, the flaws, and the genius of this plan.

Lastly, we’ve asked Dirkson if he has other crazy elaborate plans, and he had this to say: “No other complicated plans, sorry. Most of the other plans in my life are much more simple, albeit frequently a bit odd—like Crazy Plan #3872, ‘Make my own Soylent substitute.’ Which is delicious, by the way. Or Crazy Plan #4265, ‘Build a set of alternating tread stairs to my attic’. Hasn’t killed me yet!”

You can check it all out in the original Reddit post here, but before you go, tell us your thoughts on Dirkson’s grand plan at keeping the immortal assassin snail at bay in the comment section below!